I'm scared.
I think I'm inadequate and I'm going to screw up bad. I shouldn't be in charge of such huge responsibility. Feels as though I'm in deep shit and I'm still digging a deeper hole in the shit right now.
I hate my procrastinating personality.
I'm dragging my feet on a lot of things in which needs attention.
I think I'm hateful...
The escapist in me is acting up again, but there's nowhere I can hide and I know I have to do this.
I really need the power to pull through this...
I've never felt like this...
At least for a long time I haven't felt like this...
This strong sense of loneliness...
It was always filled w people...
People who understood or pretended to...
Now....
There isn't even any pretense....
Clinging on to memory, it's just like trying to hold water in your hands- it just keeps trickling away until one day, you realise what you're holding on to is nothing but emptiness, because everything has trickled away.
The interesting thing that I've realise is this: this emptiness used to be really small, cause feelings never felt real enough and everything felt so childish. But as I grew, thoughts became more matured and feelings felt more real; so real that it almost felt as though it'll stay, so I opened up and held on to more. Until one day I realise it's just another de javu and whatever I thought I was holding on to turns into nothingness once again.
If you're wondering if this is about relationship, it is indeed about relationship. But it isn't just about BGR. It's about every other relationship in our lives- kinship, friendship, any relationship that exists between people and people, even between people and items, animals, events, etc.
I've always wanted to stay that young girl- not having to worry about anything much because I believe everything will turn out right; only having to think about how to let the people around me be happy.
I've always wondered why people aren't happy...somehow...I feel I understand now.
Just when I thought that relationships was the only things that can't withstand trials...I realised that it applies to friendship and kinship as well...
I'm not asking for anything more than your trust...your trust that what I'm doing is not for me but for you...
Have I lost a right to that trust just because I can now exercise the right to do something for you...
Then why in the world did I make this choice from the start?
沉入越来越深的海底 我开始想念你
我好孤寂
跌进越来越冷的爱里 我快不能呼吸
我想要你
人活著赖著一口氧气 氧气是你
如果你爱我 你会来找我
你会知道我 快不能活
如果你爱我 你会来救我
空气很稀薄 因为寂寞
跌进越来越冷的爱里 我快不能呼吸
我想要你
人活著赖著一口氧气 氧气是你
如果你爱我 你会来找我
你会知道我 快不能活
如果你爱我 你会来救我
空气很稀薄 因为寂寞
如果你爱我 你会来找我
你会知道我 快不能活
如果你爱我 你会来救我
空气很稀薄 因为寂寞
it's not like i'm doing something bad. not like i'm doing something tt can't see light. not like i'm cheating money.
why can't you be more receptive? why can't you see that i was meaning well to do all those stuff with you? why can't you see that that's part of life and not a taboo like how it used to be.
when will i ever receive your full support from the start in the things i do?
what in the world am i crying for...
i hate this feeling.
it reminds me of the time in jc.
it reminds me of carrot.
it reminds me what i went through.
it reminds me of so much.
i dun like it that my mood is starting to become pegged to his.
i dun like it that we aren't even friends but just acquaintances.
i dun like the fear that i feel lurking underneath this whirlpool of emotions right now.
i dun like the idea of crying for another person again.
i dun like the idea of going through the whole vicious cycle again.
i dun wan this feeling.
i wan it to go away...
成绩不好，就是坏。
坦率，是无礼。
要自由，是不要家。
坚持，是任性。
同样是朋友，我的却是损友。
不一样的成绩单，却同样是我错。
我要的，只是偶尔的一句赞赏、多一点认同。
可是，原来一直以来，在你们心里，我似乎从没达到你们的要求。即使我再努力，好像都没用。反正，在你们心里， 我已经是这样的一个人，我做的一切，你们都已经认定是错的。那我又何必拼命的逼自己去做一个你们要的、却不是自己的我？
Sometimes I try so hard not to remind myself. But the harder I try...the more it bugs me.
It sucks being stuck in something that I have absolutely lost interests in. Counting the days as it pass, wondering if I'll survive the remaining time or will I screw up and end up extending my nightmare.
I've never in my entire life been such a let down with no sense of guilt...
This just sucks.
p/s: And I'm starving...took my last meal 25 hours ago... -faint-
Was waiting for weinz and shiv yesterday. While waiting for them, I picked up a pen, took a piece of paper, and started scribbling.
It started with trying to write a song, but as I was listening to my mp3, nothing came out.
Then, I decided to write something for my next blog entry--
有时候，觉得自己好可笑。 总是口说一套， 心里想着另一套。
害怕
怕什么？是怕伤害？怕失望？还是怕。。。
自己的脑子， 难道不是我自己最清楚的吗？那为什么，我总是觉得，我最难了解的那个人，是自己？
有时候，就是觉得那么矛盾。
Then I felt that it was kinda short; it wasn't sufficient to reflect what I was thinking. So I started to scribble some of the things I wrote in the past and extended them...
开心就是喜欢吗？那为什么喜欢，总是那么痛？
“可以”就是“应该”吗？ “可以”做到的事，就“应该”去做吗？ “应该”做的事，就“喜欢”做吗？ “应该”是种责任，“喜欢”就是任性吗？
多愁善感不是种错，可为什么总是那么痛？ 为什么有错的人，总是那么无所谓？而为什么无辜的人总是得为这些错的人伤心难过？
And finally, I came to my conclusion of the day...
要是没有明天，我为什么还要为未来担心？
怕
我不想睡，不是怕明天的到来，而是怕今天的离去。
Boo! Oh man. I've got loads of drafts sitting in my blogger dashboard waiting for me to complete and post up here, but somehow, whenever I sit down and look at them, I'll start remembering that I've got loads of other things to do. In fact, I'm supposed to be rushing some report right now. And I have barely started on it. Supposed to send it out in twenty minutes time X_x
Bahz. I dunno why, but I feel as though I'm starting to close up again. It's as if I'm starting to shut myself out from the outside world. Perhaps it's the time for me to sit down and do my periodical inner-self dialogue again. But every time I do that, I'll sink into a period of depression. And it seems to become harder for me to get out of those darks times nowadays. I dunno why, but there's always this feeling of uncertainty and helplessness surrounding me.
Shouldn't we live the life that we want? So WTF am I doing in Accountancy? I'm so wasting my own time. I could have done so much more within these three years.
Here goes, it's started without my knowing.
Depression time~~~ T_T
screwed up my exams big time...flunked a core module...my only consolation is that it didn't pull down my GPA. unless you wanna take in that 0.01 drop. bahz....
sian-ness
it's now 2.30am and i've got work in a few hour's time and i'm feeling real sleepy.
but there's this part in me that refuses to go to bed. it's as though by refusing to go to bed i can will time to slow down a little. when time slows down, tml will take a longer time to come, leading to the future coming later. then i can take my time to ponder over how exactly i wish to live my life from then on.
i seem to dread the start of everyday these days. sundays seems to be the only days i look forward to, cause i get to do wad i love doing.
but i hate it when i cant do the things i love doing right. it just makes me feel so useless...
not been in the best of mood recently. feeling very vexed over alot o stuff, i'm like experiencing this kinda personality/aims crisis very frequently nowadays.
and the time bomb(s) at home don't help matters at all.
been listening to this other song, by emil chow. maybe due to my mood recently, but it just seems so apt for me.
《寂寞的眼》
这一次我又忘记了改变我自己
这一次我又轻易的相信你是唯一
一次一次聚散分离使我怀疑
世界上没有真正的爱情值得回忆
一次一次告诉自己
伤心往事不该惋惜
一次一次提醒自己
这样的爱情转眼让他过去
但是你寂寞的眼 有寂寞的泪
让我忘了改变我的一切
让我在迷惑之中
忘了曾经深深的叹息
但是你寂寞的眼 有寂寞的泪
让我忘了改变我的一切
让我又不由自主
轻易让你飞入我梦里
那天, 走在上班的路上,看到每個趕著上班的人, 心里突然有所感處. 雖然從小就覺得上班族真的好神氣, 可是現在的我, 根本就不想當個上班族. 以前, 可能因為我甚麼都不會, 所以就覺得我會注定要當個朝九晚五的上班族. 可是自從我開始寫歌、學唱歌, 越來越覺得我是可以有所選擇的.
當了三個禮拜的"正常人", 我發現, 我真的不要過這樣的生活. 我真的不要我的人生在悔恨中過去. 我有滿懷的夢想, 卻也有滿懷的無奈. 麵包和夢想, 我到底能實現哪一個? 難道真的要我為了所謂的現實而放棄夢想? 難道就別無選擇了嗎?
~為甚麼人生總是充滿了無奈.
~難道所有的立志故事都是假的?
~難道夢想要永遠都留在夢中?
aren't there times when you really can't tolerate the noise around you? there may be great sounds around, sounds like music and cheering and laughter. but more often than not, you hear things you don't wanna listen to. things that drive you nuts and you just hope they'll go away.
then i'll remember how i used to play in the pool.
i'd dive all the way down and sit at the bottom of the pool and hold my breath there. drowning out all other noises, entering a world where i find peace. where i feel as though i really belong there.
a world where there's only my own thoughts...and my heartbeat.
when there's no audience in my life theatre, i can only cheer louder on my own to carry on the show.
my birthday celebrations ended with a bang yesterday. was really happy, will blog about my entire celebrations later when i have the time. but meanwhile, i'm not really in the mood to blog about the happy times i had in the past week.
somehow, i just feel kinda down. feeling lonely and lost all of a sudden. you know that kinda feeling where it's as though you're not needed. and no matter where you are, no matter how many people there are around you, you just feel lonely. it's not supposed to be this way la. i just spent a wonderful week surrounded by friends and family so why in the world am i feeling this way?
sigh. maybe it's the realisation that there are alot of stuff which are out of my control? and somehow i'm not doing enough and not trying hard enough. somehow, it's just the realisation that even with an idea of what i want to do, somehow things may not be what i want it to be.
somehow i just feel so useless.
天阿! 我曾幾何時變成了這麼一個人阿!怎麼會變成這樣的嘛!!!!!
實在看不起這樣的我...我實在討厭這樣的自己!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
怎麼會這樣阿.............
