Reflections

How time flies...it's coming to the end of 2012.

WOW

I'm speechless as I sit here staring at the screen, thinking back on what had happened over the past year, and things that had happened in the years before that. Time seems to really have a mass, why else does it seem to be speeding up as time goes by? Very soon I'll be using the phrase "in the blink of an eye".

Was looking through some of the blogs which belong(ed) to my friends, the (ed) is cause they no longer update their blogs, since 2 to 4 years back. Remember how I used to think adults are just plain boring, they don't know how to enjoy the finer things in life and never seem to find it in them to set some time aside to remember and be grateful for the beautiful or not so beautiful things that happen to them? Now I know for sure I'm almost all grown up...

I'm disappointed.

For many reasons I am disappointed.

I'm no longer who I used to be. Things which I used to treasure in a person no longer seem that important, in fact it seems almost plain childish in the cruel world of reality. I'm becoming numb and cynical about people and life. Not hope-less, just not as optimistic about humanity. Too much had transpired over time to eat away whatever fluff that I might have had of people and the world. I no longer laugh sincerely; I no longer find it in myself to be truly happy about anything.

My heart feels dead. I can't find it in me to trust and like, much less love, anyone now. Maybe it is temporary; maybe it'll stick for life. But I'm afraid. Perhaps I don't know what is love, so all along I had been impressed upon by the wrong notion of love and thus believe I'll never love again. I used to believe that it is alright to give it your all and love like an idiot, even if it is just once, because that is what it is to be young and alive; everyone should be brave to love and even if they get hurt, it is the true essence of love and from there we will grow to be a better person. Oh how wrong could I have been. Don't ever believe in those lies that chick-flicks and chick-lits tell you. It'll be your undoing. Yep, it's true that I did come out of it knowing myself a little better; it's true I came out of it being more realistic about relationships. But at the same time I no longer trust people as easily (to some people that should be a given, but all these years I've grown up believing that people are kind people and they don't hurt you) and I'm all disillusioned and can't bring myself to believe couples can stay together forever.

I'm becoming so negative.

I hate how you always think you are ready to face the problem thinking you are all healed up, only to realise that you are still all battered and bruised inside when the tears start pouring.

What makes it worse is that you know full well it's not worth it. It's not as if there was anything serious happening back then, in fact it was so one-sided. But I just can't seem to bring myself to get over it. I can't get over the pain and shame of having misplaced my trust and feelings to someone who doesn't deserve any of it.

Gosh~I'm such a loser...