The difference between a silly crush and a silly mistake

I was searching through some emails to settle some outstanding matters, when I chanced upon an email which I had sent out to someone whom I'm not supposed to be in touch with anymore.

It was an email explaining to him how I had been since not being in touch and why I no longer want him to be in my life ever again.

To tell the truth, it still kinda hurts to read the email I sent out. Even though I still wonder how he is and what he is up to, but no, I have no intention to get back in touch.

As I was reading through the email, I caught myself with a somewhat bitter smile lingering. Then somehow it brought me back to another email which was never sent out and I had deleted. It was to another somebody whom I had intended to keep in touch but have since disappeared in my life (though for some reason, I decided that I'm not supposed to ever be in touch with him again a couple years after going our own ways). Then I realised the difference in mindset and the emotions that emerged as the past started coming back to me.

With the silly crush, I had that "OMG. What stupidity had it taken for me to have done such things in the past??" thought and a rather distasteful cringe.

With the silly mistake, it was "Why did I have to meet him? Why didn't I think more rationally and admit to what was the obvious truth that had presented itself to me on more than one occasion in the past?".

I've always thought I had really liked the people in the past (in fact every time I insist that "this time it's real, I really feel for him" *rolls eyes*), but it isn't until now, that I realise those were just silly crushes. For you to have had really liked a person, it would have changed you.

I know it finally did. Maybe not for the better, not that I know for sure, but it did change me.

And that's just liking a person.

I don't really dare to think about loving someone, not that I ever will, but then again, not that I'll know for sure...