Reflections

How time flies...it's coming to the end of 2012.

WOW

I'm speechless as I sit here staring at the screen, thinking back on what had happened over the past year, and things that had happened in the years before that. Time seems to really have a mass, why else does it seem to be speeding up as time goes by? Very soon I'll be using the phrase "in the blink of an eye".

Was looking through some of the blogs which belong(ed) to my friends, the (ed) is cause they no longer update their blogs, since 2 to 4 years back. Remember how I used to think adults are just plain boring, they don't know how to enjoy the finer things in life and never seem to find it in them to set some time aside to remember and be grateful for the beautiful or not so beautiful things that happen to them? Now I know for sure I'm almost all grown up...

I'm disappointed.

For many reasons I am disappointed.

I'm no longer who I used to be. Things which I used to treasure in a person no longer seem that important, in fact it seems almost plain childish in the cruel world of reality. I'm becoming numb and cynical about people and life. Not hope-less, just not as optimistic about humanity. Too much had transpired over time to eat away whatever fluff that I might have had of people and the world. I no longer laugh sincerely; I no longer find it in myself to be truly happy about anything.

My heart feels dead. I can't find it in me to trust and like, much less love, anyone now. Maybe it is temporary; maybe it'll stick for life. But I'm afraid. Perhaps I don't know what is love, so all along I had been impressed upon by the wrong notion of love and thus believe I'll never love again. I used to believe that it is alright to give it your all and love like an idiot, even if it is just once, because that is what it is to be young and alive; everyone should be brave to love and even if they get hurt, it is the true essence of love and from there we will grow to be a better person. Oh how wrong could I have been. Don't ever believe in those lies that chick-flicks and chick-lits tell you. It'll be your undoing. Yep, it's true that I did come out of it knowing myself a little better; it's true I came out of it being more realistic about relationships. But at the same time I no longer trust people as easily (to some people that should be a given, but all these years I've grown up believing that people are kind people and they don't hurt you) and I'm all disillusioned and can't bring myself to believe couples can stay together forever.

I'm becoming so negative.

I hate how you always think you are ready to face the problem thinking you are all healed up, only to realise that you are still all battered and bruised inside when the tears start pouring.

What makes it worse is that you know full well it's not worth it. It's not as if there was anything serious happening back then, in fact it was so one-sided. But I just can't seem to bring myself to get over it. I can't get over the pain and shame of having misplaced my trust and feelings to someone who doesn't deserve any of it.

Gosh~I'm such a loser...

The difference between a silly crush and a silly mistake

I was searching through some emails to settle some outstanding matters, when I chanced upon an email which I had sent out to someone whom I'm not supposed to be in touch with anymore.

It was an email explaining to him how I had been since not being in touch and why I no longer want him to be in my life ever again.

To tell the truth, it still kinda hurts to read the email I sent out. Even though I still wonder how he is and what he is up to, but no, I have no intention to get back in touch.

As I was reading through the email, I caught myself with a somewhat bitter smile lingering. Then somehow it brought me back to another email which was never sent out and I had deleted. It was to another somebody whom I had intended to keep in touch but have since disappeared in my life (though for some reason, I decided that I'm not supposed to ever be in touch with him again a couple years after going our own ways). Then I realised the difference in mindset and the emotions that emerged as the past started coming back to me.

With the silly crush, I had that "OMG. What stupidity had it taken for me to have done such things in the past??" thought and a rather distasteful cringe.

With the silly mistake, it was "Why did I have to meet him? Why didn't I think more rationally and admit to what was the obvious truth that had presented itself to me on more than one occasion in the past?".

I've always thought I had really liked the people in the past (in fact every time I insist that "this time it's real, I really feel for him" *rolls eyes*), but it isn't until now, that I realise those were just silly crushes. For you to have had really liked a person, it would have changed you.

I know it finally did. Maybe not for the better, not that I know for sure, but it did change me.

And that's just liking a person.

I don't really dare to think about loving someone, not that I ever will, but then again, not that I'll know for sure...