时间。

Reflections

How time flies...it's coming to the end of 2012.

WOW

I'm speechless as I sit here staring at the screen, thinking back on what had happened over the past year, and things that had happened in the years before that. Time seems to really have a mass, why else does it seem to be speeding up as time goes by? Very soon I'll be using the phrase "in the blink of an eye".

Was looking through some of the blogs which belong(ed) to my friends, the (ed) is cause they no longer update their blogs, since 2 to 4 years back. Remember how I used to think adults are just plain boring, they don't know how to enjoy the finer things in life and never seem to find it in them to set some time aside to remember and be grateful for the beautiful or not so beautiful things that happen to them? Now I know for sure I'm almost all grown up...

I'm disappointed.

For many reasons I am disappointed.

I'm no longer who I used to be. Things which I used to treasure in a person no longer seem that important, in fact it seems almost plain childish in the cruel world of reality. I'm becoming numb and cynical about people and life. Not hope-less, just not as optimistic about humanity. Too much had transpired over time to eat away whatever fluff that I might have had of people and the world. I no longer laugh sincerely; I no longer find it in myself to be truly happy about anything.

My heart feels dead. I can't find it in me to trust and like, much less love, anyone now. Maybe it is temporary; maybe it'll stick for life. But I'm afraid. Perhaps I don't know what is love, so all along I had been impressed upon by the wrong notion of love and thus believe I'll never love again. I used to believe that it is alright to give it your all and love like an idiot, even if it is just once, because that is what it is to be young and alive; everyone should be brave to love and even if they get hurt, it is the true essence of love and from there we will grow to be a better person. Oh how wrong could I have been. Don't ever believe in those lies that chick-flicks and chick-lits tell you. It'll be your undoing. Yep, it's true that I did come out of it knowing myself a little better; it's true I came out of it being more realistic about relationships. But at the same time I no longer trust people as easily (to some people that should be a given, but all these years I've grown up believing that people are kind people and they don't hurt you) and I'm all disillusioned and can't bring myself to believe couples can stay together forever.

I'm becoming so negative.

I hate how you always think you are ready to face the problem thinking you are all healed up, only to realise that you are still all battered and bruised inside when the tears start pouring.

What makes it worse is that you know full well it's not worth it. It's not as if there was anything serious happening back then, in fact it was so one-sided. But I just can't seem to bring myself to get over it. I can't get over the pain and shame of having misplaced my trust and feelings to someone who doesn't deserve any of it.

Gosh~I'm such a loser...

The difference between a silly crush and a silly mistake

I was searching through some emails to settle some outstanding matters, when I chanced upon an email which I had sent out to someone whom I'm not supposed to be in touch with anymore.

It was an email explaining to him how I had been since not being in touch and why I no longer want him to be in my life ever again.

To tell the truth, it still kinda hurts to read the email I sent out. Even though I still wonder how he is and what he is up to, but no, I have no intention to get back in touch.

As I was reading through the email, I caught myself with a somewhat bitter smile lingering. Then somehow it brought me back to another email which was never sent out and I had deleted. It was to another somebody whom I had intended to keep in touch but have since disappeared in my life (though for some reason, I decided that I'm not supposed to ever be in touch with him again a couple years after going our own ways). Then I realised the difference in mindset and the emotions that emerged as the past started coming back to me.

With the silly crush, I had that "OMG. What stupidity had it taken for me to have done such things in the past??" thought and a rather distasteful cringe.

With the silly mistake, it was "Why did I have to meet him? Why didn't I think more rationally and admit to what was the obvious truth that had presented itself to me on more than one occasion in the past?".

I've always thought I had really liked the people in the past (in fact every time I insist that "this time it's real, I really feel for him" *rolls eyes*), but it isn't until now, that I realise those were just silly crushes. For you to have had really liked a person, it would have changed you.

I know it finally did. Maybe not for the better, not that I know for sure, but it did change me.

And that's just liking a person.

I don't really dare to think about loving someone, not that I ever will, but then again, not that I'll know for sure...

因为我不是你最喜欢的人

因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

所以你可以心血来潮的时候发短信打电话嘘寒问暖，但当我真的想你时，你却不会在我身边。

因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

所以高兴时你会让我觉得我是世界上最幸福的人，让我以为那就是爱情；不开心的时候，全世界都和你有联系，除了我，因为我不是你最喜欢的人，所以我不能帮你分担你的难过。


因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

所以对于你来说，你来找我时，我必须得出现，但我在找你时，我却是不能打扰你的那个存在。


因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

所以我的去向，我的生活你只有在你想要过问时问问，我却视若珍宝，满心欢喜，到头来都是自欺欺人。


因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

所以就算我们在一起了，我也不能过问你以前的，现在的，未来的，种种的想法。
因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

所以和我的联系只出现在你想要的范围内。
因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

所以就算是在一起还要当做暧昧来存在。

因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

所以我们的很多事情都不能公开。

因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

所以我们随时都可能分开，而不需要理由。

因为我不是你最喜欢的人。

但你是我最爱的人。

所以，只能有我爱你，却不能有你爱我出现。

因为我不是你最喜欢的人，但你却是我最爱的人。

所以，我们之间不完全的公平也不存在。
所有的一切，都只因为，我不是你最喜欢的人。

感觸

突如其來的一些感觸，覺得若不記錄下來，會感覺自己將就此忘記。沒了這記憶、感觸，可能生活不會有任何改變，可是我很可能就此沒了這份領悟。

經常夜深人靜我都一個人醒著，可能忙著，可能愣著，也可能做些沒意義、有的沒的事。曾經以為是因為我想將自己沉浸在那一個人的夜裡，不被任何人或事所打擾。也認為是因為平時太懶散，總覺得有很多事沒做完，若太早睡會有罪惡感。可是那天我突然發現這當中的原因了 - 我太嚮往那夢裡的美好、太不想面對現實的殘酷，可是又同時知道我必須實際一點。所以唯一的辦法就是讓自己在現實中再多呆一些，哪怕就多一兩個小時，什麼也沒做，但至少我非常清楚現實才是真實的，而這才是我必須面對的。可能潛意識中早有了這種領悟，我也好久都沒做那種脫離現實的夢了，就連做夢也少很多很多了。

也許還在康復階段吧，對於某個他我還是會無意中想起。不知道他現在過得如何，有沒有想起我，對我的回憶是什麼，對我的感覺由始至終到底是什麼，現在若偶爾想起我又會帶著什麼心情？我有好多好多的疑問，可是我知道生命裡會有跟疑問一樣多的謎題，永遠也解不開的謎題。當我向朋友提起他時，他都是那個王八蛋。那當他向朋友提起我時，那是在他會向朋友提起我的前提下，他又會將我擺入哪個角色呢？我會不會變成他的另一任“好朋友”，那麼多任“好朋友”當中的其中一任，其中一個想不開的朋友，一個讓他遺憾、放開的“好朋友”？那說到底，究竟是被遺忘、被忽略、被責備，這當中哪一個選項會讓我心情比較踏實、釋然、平伏？又會是哪個選項會讓我心情激動、憤怒、怨恨？說實在的，我不知道，我也非常希望永遠別讓我知道。就讓時間沖淡一切，讓我慢慢放下、淡忘。

拜託，請讓我這輩子都別再碰到他。真的。

好朋友只是朋友

原唱：郁可唯
作詞：黃婷
作曲：徐偉銘


聽你說什麼我都很快樂
接近你連影子都微笑著
幾千隻紙鶴你都耐心地陪著我折
卻怎麼都折不掉那道無形的隔閡

越懂你陪著你就越寂寞
靈魂那麼美我卻碰不得
感覺再熾熱也不能讓飛蛾去撲火
靠近你的夢難道就能不失落

好朋友只是朋友 還是朋友 不能夠佔有
好朋友瘋狂以後 就一個人走 無所求
好朋友只是朋友 只能保留 一點點溫柔
我知道什麽時候回頭 不打擾你的自由

認識你也許我就足夠了
緣分的深淺我都不管了
可能你感動也看不見我心如刀割
哪怕很痛過 至少就不算錯過

好朋友只是朋友 還是朋友 不能夠佔有
好朋友瘋狂以後 就一個人走 無所求
好朋友只是朋友 只能保留 一點點溫柔
我知道什麽時候回頭 不打擾你的自由

愛人不是最好的朋友
朋友再好也不能牽手
感情在天平兩頭 誰都怕太沈重

好朋友只是朋友 還是朋友 不能夠佔有
好朋友瘋狂以後 還是一個人走 無所求
好朋友只是朋友 只能保留 一點點溫柔
我知道什麽時候回頭 不打擾你的自由

如果这不是你们要的。。。为什么都没人告诉我。。。

累了。

怕了。

倦了。

想要，却不敢要了。。。

Alone once again~

I chanced upon this old entry from Oct 2009...

I have not much memory of what exactly had happened then to have triggered such a post...

But I know that right now in my life...such a post is the most appropriate in describing how I am feeling...I have never felt so alone...I used to count my blessings and was grateful for the many friends I had...

But now...it feels like clinging on to a wood plank in the middle of the ocean...struggling to keep afloat and retain my sanity, going about the usual activities in life...trying not to break down.

Loneliness...betrayal...judgement...pretense...emptiness...confusion...anger...bitterness...

I pray to be politically correct...I pray to have the strength to do and say what's right...I pray to keep my head and not let my emotions get the better of me...

Sometimes it's not that I don't wish to be truthful and say what I mean...

But I fear being judged...which I fear has already happened...

痛哭。。。

好久没有这样痛哭一场了。。。

该放手了吧。。。

心， 好痛。 泪，不停地溜。

原来那次的关怀，真的只是愧疚的施舍。。。

我真的可以放手了吗？

《寂寞光年》- 刘力扬

是谁从我天空摘走了星星 一转眼 眉头聚满乌云
从来快乐悲伤都自己判刑 忘了我也值得被关心
一双手一个梦一路上不断的俯冲 痛到忘了要怎么喊痛

*漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过 我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想要拥抱的温柔 融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候让人特别失落 锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手 陪着我期待消失的彩虹

是谁将阳光都剪成了雨滴 天灰了，快乐总有限期
从来都陷在孤独的流沙里 忘了我也配被人在意
一个人一直走看着梦像做了又空 精疲力尽有没有哪里可以停泊

*Repeat

那是谁的温柔留在我的小手 微不足道却那么重
漫长的寂寞把意志都吞没 整个世界是沉默的漩涡
有谁能陪我手牵着手出走 带我离开空洞的星球

还有什么值得追求 还有什么可以拥有
把怀抱借给我是不是就不再颤抖
有谁能带走这美丽的哀愁
能让我相信被爱的理由

西界

阳光越过窗沿
我在阴影里面
才过正午十三点
就漆黑一片
没有人看得见
我心深处的阴暗面

只能眺望东边
你的世界太远
撑到想象的极限
幸福有多甜
可黑夜已吞噬我
就是拉不到你的手

因为我活在西边
只拥有半个白天
一到午后夜色就蔓延
虽然和你面对面
却看不到我的脸
感觉到你不安的视线

在西界的那一边
只能有半个白天
暗自祈祷上天的垂怜
在这夜的边缘
给我一丝光线
让你能够看我一眼

我还想他

泪水 将我淹没 到底谁该难过
究竟 是谁放掉 这段感情

我才终于明白 办不到的承诺
就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺获

请告诉他 我不爱他
笑着难过 自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎
狠了心 说真心谎话

别告诉他 我还想他
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默 代替所有回答

我才终于明白 办不到的承诺
就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺获

请告诉他 我不爱他
笑着难过 自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎
狠了心 说真心谎话

别告诉他 我还想他
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默 代替所有回答

我不爱 我不痛 我不懂
我的心 早已掏空
真心话 言不由衷

请告诉他 我不爱他
笑着难过 自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎
狠了心 说真心谎话

别告诉他 我还想他
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默 代替所有回答

别告诉他 我还想他
就让沉默 代替所有回答

矜持

我从来不曾抗拒你的魅力
虽然你从来不曾对我着迷
我总是微笑的看着你
我的情意总是轻易就洋溢眼底

我曾经想过在寂寞的夜里
你终于在意在我的房间里
你闭上眼睛亲吻了我
不说一句紧紧抱我在你的怀里

我是爱你的 我爱你到底
生平第一次 我放下矜持
任凭自己幻想一切关于我和你

你是爱我的 你爱我到底
生平第一次 我放下矜持
相信自己真的可以深深去爱你
深深去爱你

氧气

沉入越来越深的海底 我开始想念你
我好孤寂

跌进越来越冷的爱里 我快不能呼吸
我想要你
人活著赖著一口氧气 氧气是你

如果你爱我 你会来找我
你会知道我 快不能活
如果你爱我 你会来救我
空气很稀薄 因为寂寞

跌进越来越冷的爱里 我快不能呼吸
我想要你
人活著赖著一口氧气 氧气是你

如果你爱我 你会来找我
你会知道我 快不能活
如果你爱我 你会来救我
空气很稀薄 因为寂寞

如果你爱我 你会来找我
你会知道我 快不能活
如果你爱我 你会来救我
空气很稀薄 因为寂寞

任性

今天下班的时候，好好地听了一遍这首歌的歌词。竟发现它的歌词好有意义。怎么会突然有种感同身受的感觉呢？太容易被感动。。。每次发现得不到，就会放开手，然后独自陷入谷底。尝试着逃避，逃避心里的阵阵抽痛。难道注定我会一直这样吗？

《任性》

喜欢听歌 感人的歌
它让我觉得爱是对的
睡不着 我就醒着
不再让日子被打乱了

寂寞很吵 我很安静
情绪很多 我很镇定
因为投入 所以放弃
不愿再被痛醒

固执算不算任性的要求
付出也可能看不到结果
终于你还是选择了放手
用逃避让感情犯错

喜欢唱歌 动人的歌
它让我获得一点心得
得不到我就放掉
不去碰触到我的需要

寂寞很吵 我很安静
情绪很多 我很镇定
因为投入 所以放弃
不愿再被痛醒

承诺算不算任性的要求
人总是不能太容易感动
当爱失去自我失去包容
只想要从混乱解脱

固执算不算任性的要求
付出也可能看不到结果
终于你还是选择了放手
用逃避让感情犯错

喜欢听歌 感人的歌
它让我觉得爱是对的

迷茫

你看到我的笑容, 你聽到我的笑聲. 但你是否看到藏在眼里的落寞、收在心里的傷感.

我不曾愛過, 可我對愛情早已沒了信心. 我身邊有著很多朋友, 可我總是免不了感到一點點的落寞.

有些事情, 表面看起來很圓滿, 可是又有誰能保證暴風雨不會來呢? 畢竟, 該發生的總是會發生. 人總該為自己的行為負責, 不是嗎? 不是說過, 做錯了, 就得為過錯負責嗎? 除非他不算錯...那難道是我們的錯嗎? 因為, 到頭來, 傷得最深的還是我們. 那我應該狠他嗎? 狠他, 有用嗎? 但我的人生從此該怎麼辦? 這21年來, 我遵守著的道理, 還能相信嗎?

當生命里的典範一個個在面前瓦解時, 你是否也會突然覺得很迷茫? 還是因為我太幼稚、太不獨立了呢?

What happens when all the principles you've been living by have been lies? What happens when you can no longer recognise the people you look up to? What do you do in the face of betrayal?

夢...醒了

曾經, 我相信愛情.
曾經, 我相信真愛.
曾經, 我相信婚姻.
曾經, 我相信天長地久.

現在, 我都不信了.

愛情, 只是短暫的.
真愛, 根本不純在.
婚姻, 只是一張紙.
天長地久...不可能.

-心會痛,代表心沒死.心沒死,代表有希望.有希望,代表夢沒醒...-

一个人流浪

woah. listened to Fahrenheit's 一个人流浪 repeatedly on my way home, think i heard it around twenty times? haha. but anyway, think it's about friendship since young which soured 'cause of a misunderstanding? and some lyrics just brought back memories...memories that i didn't realise i still remember.

sometimes i really wonder how important is friendship to people. i don't dare claim that i'm the best friend anyone can get. especially since i'm always so forgetful and lost in my own world, i tend to forget my friends at times or overlook details in their life. sometimes i even wonder if i'm considered a good friend. but i really value the friendship that exists between us.

thinking back, i seem to have changed over the years. i remember i valued my friends so much back then that i could quarrel with my dad and do lots of silly things. but now, i'm so self-centred. it really makes me wonder what exactly happened to me. perhaps i'm finding excuses for myself, but this memory just came back to me this afternoon when i was listening to the song.

我们约好闯荡的那片天 我一个人向前

so many promises made. so many promises broken. i've lost confidence in promises. i no longer dare to make promises. i don't dre believe in anymore promises. words no longer mean anything. nothing in this world lasts. people said that friends that have been through thick and thin together will stick together. but what about friends who stood by your side only to betray all the promises made. don't people always place themselves before others? aren't people selfish? it's been over 7 years, but i'll never forget. the tears we cried: when she left and when she broke her promise. i didn't know it bothered me so much, i have no idea i still care. or am i just finding excuses?

i want to be who i was. i hate growing up.

i'm losing the things that i held so dear when i was young. things around me, people around me, my values and principles in life. why is this happening to me? what am i when i start lossing all these?

这一秒我哭了。因为，我开始遗失了自己。

filial piety?

today we celebrated my grandma's 70th birthday.

or rather, supposed to celebrate.

in my family, when we say celebrate, it's usually juz a simple family gathering with food and wine.

that's perfectly fine with me. i mean, being simple families, what more do you expect?in fact, i pretty like that.

except for the fact that everytime we go for such gatherings, someone'll end up in a bad mood.

and usually, it's him.

just like today.

i just don't understand why in the world does he bother to put up a front. he does all the things expected of a son.he organize, he buy, he pay, he appears.

but he doesn't participate.

i mean, i'll give him the benefit of the doubt. he is a nice person to hang around with during SOME gatherings, but not always.

granted. today he was tired. but does that give him the right to pull a long face and sit in a corner sulking and start glaring at my brothers and me?i mean, come on. stop trying to act the filial son when all you think about is yourself-how you'll be affected, how people will think of you.

if you're so unwilling to be around some people and you are so unwilling to stay and allow your own MOTHER enjoy some peaceful times without any unhappiness. please, don't bother to put on the front. no one will be grateful to you for destroying their day.